Note: This story takes place between chapters 16-19 of my previous fic, and as such, knowledge of the events that took place in that story are required to understand this. Click to read Our Story first.
Often, my thoughts kept me awake at night, and when I do manage to fall asleep, the same thoughts startle me awake. On this occasion, I had been dreaming of the past, that gap in my life where I was without the one I loved. The thoughts and memories always started me from sleep, and as soon as I snapped awake, my hands sought him out, desperate to make sure I wasn't alone, and that he was still by my side.
I rolled onto my side, propping myself up on an elbow. Next to me, my lover was snoring lightly. I reached over, brushing a strand of hair from his forehead as the early morning sunlight began filtering through the windows.
My eyes drifted down past his neck to where his bare chest was visible, heaving slightly with his snores. I licked my lips, my eyes taking in his rosy pink nipples before lingering on his flat stomach and the dip of his belly button. They traveled lower still to where a sheet was draped loosely over his hips. Underneath that sheet, I knew he was naked.
The sight he was presenting to me caused the blood to rush to the lower half of my body, a knot of arousal twisting in my groin, and I was tempted to wake him to remedy the situation. He turned on his side towards me then and his mouth fell open, a little trail of drool dribbling out onto his pillow. I stifled a laugh, deciding to let him sleep a little longer.
I felt lucky every morning I woke up and Yasuda Shota was still at my side. I had spent two long, lonely years without him in my life.
Those long two years started on a sunny Sunday afternoon. We had parted ways, promising to meet each other again the next day.
That lost, desperate look on Shota's face as I glanced back over my shoulder one final time made my heart clench in my chest. I wouldn't break my promise to him. No matter what happened, I would find a way to go back to him the next day.
I reached into my pocket for the money he had given me for the train ride home. As I pulled out a 5000 yen note, a miserable feeling welled up within me. Going back was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew it was the only chance that Shota and I had at happiness. The approval of his family depended on it.
The entire train ride, and walk back to my house, I was filled with a sense of dread. It felt strange, being back in my neighborhood. As I pressed the buzzer on the gate outside of my home,
I realized that this place no longer felt like home. Home was wherever Shota was.
“Can I help you?” A voice came over the speaker.
“It's Tadayoshi,” I spoke.
“Bocchama! You're home.” And almost instantly the gate doors swung open.
I said nothing in response, shouldering my bag and walking up the gravel driveway towards the intimidating house where I had grown up. By the time I reached the door, the main servant, Sasaki, was already waiting for me.
She bowed to me deeply, “Bocchama. Let me take your bag.”
I shook my head, holding the bag closer to my body. “Is my father here?”
She nodded her head. “Uchi-bocchama is here too. Now, please, let me take your bag.”
“I said I was fine,” I said coolly, stepping around her and entering the house.
Sasaki had been a servant in our house for as long as I can remember, probably before I was even born. When I was a child, she was one of the only servants allowed to visit my room. In primary school, when I had caught the chicken pox, Sasaki had sat in my room with me for hours. For my birthday, she always brought me something, a stuffed animal or a treat of some kind.
She was a servant, but also a friend. I didn't have a grandmother growing up, and she was the only person who I had ever considered worthy of that role. I no longer thought of her this way.
As head servant, she was in charge of all of the other servants. Every maid listened to her, and Sasaki always had the final word. My father entrusted her to look after the household and the staff. This included Hiroki's mother.
It wasn't until after I found out that Hiroki was my brother that I came to know about Sasaki's betrayal. After Uchi had left for Tokyo, I was desperate to understand what was going on.
As a child, Uchi had been my best friend, my only friend. And before he had left for Tokyo, he had told me that he hated me. My entire childhood, all of the happy memories I had were when Hiroki had been at my side. Finding out that he was my brother had been the happiest moment of my life. But, something had happened. My best friend, my precious brother, hated me and I didn't know why.
I began listening closely around the house and slowly, pieces started falling into place. All the reasons behind Hiroki's hate for me started making sense, and I began to hate myself a little too.
On the day that Uchi's mother had her car accident, Sasaki had fired her. The head servant had found out about the affair between Hideo and Hiroki's mother after nearly twelve years. In Sasaki's eyes, it was indecent for my father to have an affair with anyone, let alone one of his servants.
Sasaki also could not seem to blame my father for any of his actions. It was solely and completely the fault of my brother's mother. She had seduced my father, manipulated him into having an affair with her. Thus, she had to be permanently removed from the household.
Sasaki had kicked the single mother out of our home. Hiroki's mother had no family or friends to support her. If she hadn't been thrown out onto the streets, she would never have gotten into that accident. She would never have died. Hiroki would still have a mother, and I would still have my best friend.
Sasaki led me down the hall toward's my father's office. Inside, I could hear him arguing with Uchi about something. The old maid knocked on the door and the heated conversation came to a hault.
“What is it?” an annoyed reply came.
“Tadayoshi-bocchama is home.”
I shifted uncomfortably, finding myself at the moment I had been dreading.
When I ran away from home, it wasn't because I was bored or tired of my life. Running away wasn't even something I had thought long or hard about before doing. I had left home for cram school with only my bag and very few belongings, fully intent on returning home that night. Afterward, I just couldn't find the will to return home.
I hated that house and it's quiet, perpetual loneliness. It wasn't just the house that I hated. I had no life, no friends, no control over anything. My life had already been decided for me long before I was born. I froze in place then, wondering why I had come home. I didn't want to be there, and my chest tightened as I started to change my mind.
Before I had time to change my mind and turn around, the door of my father's office swung open. He sized me up and down, smirking as I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. After a deliberate silence, he finally spoke. “So, you've finally decided to stop playing around and come home...” He held the door open, quickly dismissing Sasaki.
I walked around him into his office, where Uchi was already seated in one of the chairs across the desk. I acknowledged my brother with a brief head nod.
“I'm not staying.” Though I had intended to sound firm, my voice only came out quietly.
My father smirked in reply, seating himself behind his desk and folding his hands in front of him. “Of course you'll stay.”
I shook my head, not willing to play his mind games. “I've just come to tell you that I won't be coming back. I found somewhere else to stay.”
“With that psychiatrist?” He prodded, sending a smirk towards Hiroki.
I didn't say anything, refusing to fall into his trap and I could feel him begin to grow impatient and annoyed with my silence.
“I've let you play long enough, Tadayoshi.”
“I'm not playing,” My voice finally came out forcefully. “I'm staying with Shota and you can either accept it or not.”
“You can't stay with someone who is in jail...” He smiled again, and I felt a shiver go down my spine at the sharpness to his voice. “I've got enough stuff on that man to have him put away for years...”
“He didn't do anything wrong,” I spat out. “He didn't kidnap me. I went to him on my own free will.”
“Yeah? I don't think the courts will see it that way. And I really don't think they'd approve of a psychiatrist having sex with an underage patient...”
I clenched my fist, “We didn't... It's not like that.” I glanced over at Hiroki for some kind of help but he was staring at the floor, desperately avoiding eye contact.
My father continued, his smile widening at his success in upsetting me. “Even if they decide not to send him to jail, his reputation will be ruined. Can you live with knowing that its your fault?”
I stared down at the floor, trying to calm the millions of emotions and thoughts running through my head. My father was right. I wouldn't be able to live with Shota after ruining his career. I wouldn't be able to stand it if he blamed me, resented me, grew to hate me for doing that to him.
And I thought about all of the times Shota had put himself on the line to protect me. I knew that he would probably willingly give up his job to be with me. He loved me enough to risk himself multiple times, even if I didn't deserve it. Who was I to make him do such things? What had I ever done to deserve Yasuda Shota's love? I didn't deserve his protection, his love, or his trust.
The answer was easy. The only thing left for me to do was protect him. “Can I see him one last time?”
I had stayed up the entire night, unable to sleep knowing that my time left with Shota was limited. I dreaded the moment that I would have to tell him that it was over. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his smiling face, heard the song in his voice when he called out my name. When he looked at me with those soft brown eyes, I knew there was no way I would be able to end it.
If I tried to be honest about why we couldn't be together, he would try to stop me. I knew he would tell me that he didn't care about his job or his reputation. He had proved that time after time as he put himself at risk to protect me. And had I ever done anything to deserve it? I was completely selfish in our relationship and I did nothing to deserve all of the kindness he had given me. I wasn't worth losing a job.
If I tried to tell him that it was over between us, I knew he would be able to change my mind with one look. He had been able to control me easily from the moment I laid eyes on him.
From the moment I entered that clinic he had me under some sort of spell. I hadn't intended to stay there. It was simply a long overdue vacation from life. I had every intention of going home. I knew that I would eventually reach the point where I would inevitably have to leave Shota's side and I was willing to accept it when the time came. The more time I spent with him, the harder that resolution was to maintain. Each moment spent in his company made it harder to leave.
What kind of hold did he have over me? I didn't understand it then, and its still something I don't understand completely today. He had done nothing extraordinary. Maybe it was his normalcy that attracted me to him so strongly. The way he wore every emotion on his face – his smile when he was happy, the way he blushed with embarrassment, the way his nostrils flared when he grew annoyed. It was all something foreign to me. Growing up sixteen years in a house filled with cold, emotionless adults, somehow Shota's warmth had become a precious gift to me.
Being with him everyday, seeing his smile, hearing he warmth in his voice – all of the things about him that I treasured were the same things I was about to lose. I knew that I could give them up if there was a chance that Shota would still be able to smile. I would be able to manage it somehow. Perhaps it would have been easier for him if I had never gone back to see him that final time.
But I am a selfish person.
I spent the day mentally preparing for those last few hours. It was the last time I planned on seeing Shota, and I was desperate to make the last few hours together memorable.
I left home around noon, stopping at a grocery store. After buying enough groceries to make dinner for two, I stopped at a drug store to buy some other essentials. I felt my face flush with embarrassment as I reached for a bottle of lube.
“Can I help you find something?” I turned around and an attractive young clerk was watching me closely.
“No thanks. I'm fine.” I smiled at her, urging her to go away as I hid the bottle behind my back. It was my first time ever making such a purchase, and I was uncomfortable enough doing it without some young female cashier watching me.
I didn't expect anything from Shota that night. If he wasn't ready for sex, I wasn't going to push him. Although I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything, I wanted him to feel the same way about me. It was my first time, and I knew that if it wasn't with Shota it would be meaningless.
After paying I hurried from the drug store and boarded the train to Shota's apartment. I still had not decided how to tell him that it would be our last night together. Would he even give me a chance to show him how much I loved him?
I shook the thoughts from my head as I walked up the stairs to Shota's apartment, twisting open the handle on the already unlocked door. I would have to remember to scold him for leaving his door unlocked.
Inside I set the groceries down on the counter and brought the bag from the drugstore into the bedroom. Flopping down on the mattress, I inhaled deeply, trying to memorize Shota's scent. I tossed the bag onto the nightstand and buried my face against the pillows. His smell calmed me and I found myself drifting off into sleep.
I woke up a few hours later, as the setting sun cast shades of fiery oranges and pinks against the bedroom walls. Sitting up, I slowly stretched before glancing over at the clock. My heart jumped in my chest as I realized that Shota would be back from work soon.
I still hadn't figured out what I was going to tell him, and as I started unpacking the groceries, a nervous sweat broke out over my body. My heart was beating anxiously in my chest, from a mixture of anticipation and fear.
I was halfway done with dinner when I heard the front door open. There was a brief moment of silence before I heard Shota hesitantly call out, “Tadaima.”
I took a deep breath, poking my head around the corner to smile at him. “Okaeri.” I blinked my eyes quickly, trying to hide the tears that I felt coming at the realization of what a horrible person I was.
“I'm so glad to see you,” He cried out, rushing forward to hug me.
“I told you that I would be home today,” I commented, trying to keep the tremor in my voice undetected as I hugged him back. He felt so small and warm in my arms as I clung to him feverishly.
He let go of me, backing up. “What happened? Your dad is okay with this? Are you staying here now?”
His brown eyes gazed questioningly into my face, and as my heart clenched tightly in my chest, I couldn't find the will to tell him that tonight we would have to say goodbye to each other. “We'll talk about it later. Let's just celebrate tonight, okay?”
He nodded happily and followed me into the kitchen. I finished preparing the meal, Shota clinging to my side happily. And throughout dinner, I felt sick to my stomach watching him happily eat, completely clueless to the millions of thoughts running through my head.
I had every intention of telling him the truth after dinner, but as we sat on the couch the awkward atmosphere filled the room and I found myself unable to speak. When I found the courage to open my mouth, we were on the couch and Shota was crawling into my lap, telling me in his sweet voice that he loved me.
All resolution I had built up by that point came tumbling down and it was only a matter of heated moments before Shota was standing naked in front of me. And then we were on his bed, my body cradled between his legs so perfectly as he gazed up at me through heavy-lidded eyes.
His warm skin, the gasps and moans as I licked at his swollen cock, the heady scent filling the room, it was all more than I could take. I sat up on my knees, wrapping my hand around my dick and jerking myself off roughly as Shota watched me, licking his pink lips.
“Shota,” I moaned, “Will you let me fuck you?”
He moaned and nodded his head, unconsciously trapping me between his knees and pulling me towards his inviting body. I tried to make him as comfortable as possible, I knew it would hurt as I stretched him open with my fingers, suckling at his cock.
His gasps of pain soon gave way to throaty moans as he started thrusting himself into my mouth. My hand traveled down, wrapping tightly around my cock which had swollen painfully. I slid my hand up quickly, before pulling my fingers out of Shota's warm body.
The need to feel him wrapped tightly around me was consuming my every thought and as I sat up he moaned at me not to stop, the words sending shivers down my spine as I imagined him panting it over and over as I invaded every inch of his body.
I reached across him for the lube on the nightstand, hurriedly covering myself before asking him if he was ready. He nodded, blushing and looking up at me with the most trusting eyes as my fingers caressed his thighs. I pushed his knees towards his chest, giving me easier access to his opening.
And then slowly, gently, I was pushing myself inside of him, a deep moan gurgling from my throat as I watched my cock disappear into his beautiful body. Abandoning his knees, I grabbed his hips, roughly pushing myself the rest of the way in. I paused, unable to move as I adjusted to the sensation of Shota wrapped so tightly around every inch of my manhood.
A look of pain crossed his face, and I tried to find words, to tell him how perfect he felt but nothing came out. I leaned forward, my lips finding his as my hand found his pelvis, quickly jerking him off. Slowly, I pulled myself out of him and then as if I were being sucked back, I slammed my hips, burying myself deeply in his body.
“You're so tight,” I breathed against his lips as he wrapped every limb around me, trying to make himself one with my body.
“Don't stop,” He panted into my ear, as if he knew exactly what I had wanted to hear.
My thrusts were rapid and shallow as I leaned my forehead against his sweaty chest. It felt too good, and though I wanted it to last forever I was so close to coming. The urge to spill myself into him was overwhelming and when I opened my mouth, I pleaded for him to hurry.
I jerked him off, determined to satisfy Shota before I finished and as my fingers slid over his slippery dick, he arched his back off the bed, moaning my name. I let go of him, squeezing my eyes shut and coming hard as his body spasmed around me.
As soon as I regained all of my senses I carefully pulled out of him and rolled off of his body, pulling him close to me. I kissed him sloppily, muttering, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he whispered back, his body slack in my arms as he nodded off to sleep.
In that moment, I felt happier than I ever had in my life. The man in my arms had given himself wholly to me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. “You're all mine,” I whispered quietly, my heart pounding painfully in my chest as he smiled at my words.
He was all mine, in my heart and mind, he would always belong to me. He was the first person I ever loved, the person who I had lost my virginity to, my first kiss, my everything. If I lived a million years I knew that I would never find someone I loved and desired as much as Yasuda Shota.
And then a wave of nausea came over me as I realized what I had just done. My happiness was gone in a flash as the reality of the situation became clear. What had I just done? It was a moment that I would treasure for the rest of my life, but what about Shota? He would regret it, giving himself to me, in a matter of hours.
I shifted, trying to get up. I needed air, needed to get away for a few minutes to think, but Shota was clinging to my body, unwilling to let me go. And the guilt I was feeling gave way to tears, as I wrapped my arms around the smaller man's body. What was done, was done. I couldn't take it back now.
I lay in bed, watching him sleep, changing positions with him as he shifted. I knew that I would have to leave in a few hours and I still hadn't told him. I worried what he would think of me when I told him it was over. I couldn't stand the thought of him hating me for it, I didn't want him to regret what we had done.
For the rest of my life, I knew that no one would love me as much as Shota, and no one would satisfy me so completely like he had. My hands sought him out, my lips attaching to his neck as my hand slid over the warm, smooth skin of his hip. He stirred, his back arching into my chest as my hand found his rapidly hardening dick.
I was already hard as I whispered into his ear, “I want you again.”
He nodded, allowing me to roll him onto his back as he spread his legs for me. Eagerly, I pressed against his opening, and although he grimaced in pain, I pushed myself into him, desperate to feel him around me once more.
“Shota,” I moaned against his ear, lacing our fingers together, the head of his sticky cock rubbing against my belly as he met my thrusts.
“Tadayoshi,” He panted back, his eyes meeting mine as he licked his lips. And then as if the sensations were more than he could bare, his eyes fell shut and he turned his head against his pillow.
“Does it feel good?” I asked him, kissing along his exposed jaw.
“So good,” He moaned, arching his back and wrapping his legs around me, trying to pull me deeper into his body.
He was so much more responsive than the first time, his thrusts meeting mine perfectly as though his body had grown accustomed to me. I knew having him was becoming addictive. Leaving him, knowing that I would never be able to be with him again, made my desire for him intensify. I turned his face towards me, kissing his lips gently.
Pushing his tongue deep into my mouth, he dug his fingers into my back as he continued to move against me. I could feel how much he loved me in the way he clung to my body, the way his tongue moved against mine, mimicking the movement of our bodies.
My head was spinning as I continued pushing myself into him harder and harder, turning us into a sweaty pile of limbs on the mattress. I pulled my face away, burying it against Shota's neck.
The heat of the room was suffocating. I couldn't breathe – There were too many emotions pulsing through my body. The pleasure that rippled through my body and the pride I felt at the sounds of ecstasy pouring past his swollen lips. The love that he was pouring into each thrust, and the way it spread warmly through my body. All of that mingled with the disgust I felt for doing this to him again, that he was completely oblivious to the fact that I was leaving him.
He went tense under me as he came, and unable to control my body, I came inside of him once more. I was quicker to roll off of him this time, and the shame that I felt kept me from holding him. Sensing my distance, Shota cuddled close to me, draping his arm over my chest and nuzzling my neck. He said nothing to me and in a matter of moments, his soft snores filled the room.
I lay in bed, listening to his snores, counting down the minutes until I would have to say goodbye. I tried to treasure those last minutes with him, but I couldn't pull my thoughts from the fact that this would be my last time to cradle Shota's warm body against mine.
At around four, when I knew the trains would be running again, I gently removed Shota's hold on me, quietly rolling out of bed. I moved silently about the room, collecting my discarded clothing and getting redressed.
I knew that I should leave, I had to hurry and go before he woke up and realized how despicable I was. I couldn't help but be drawn back to the bed, however, to share one final moment with Shota. Kneeling on the floor next to the bed, I watched his sleeping face.
So peaceful, completely relaxed and fulfilled, I felt myself swell with pride that it was me who had caused this satisfied look to paint Shota's face. And then that was smashed away when I realized the myriad of looks that would be crossing his face in a matter of hours. The disgust, the pain, the confusion, it would all be my fault.
I was the lowest, most despicable excuse for a human being. That I could stay here and watch Shota as if he still belonged to me, as though I deserved to be in his presence, was testimony to what scum I was. But still, I couldn't resist as I leaned forward and pressed my lips gently to his. In his sleep, he sighed contentedly at the contact.
I knew I loved Shota, it wasn't my intention to hurt him. I wanted to keep the memory of his happiness, the warmth he reserved only for me. And then I was backing away from him as a teardrop landed on his cheek. His brows furrowed from within his deep sleep, and he shifted, seeking out the warmth of my body as though he had sensed my distress.
I turned my back on him, hastening to the door before I lost the courage to leave him.
“Tadayoshi,” He called out softly, and I froze in fear. Turning back towards my lover, I breathed a sigh of relief at the realization that he was still sleeping. I stayed still for a moment, waiting for the deep sleep to consume him once more. “I love you,” he murmured, almost too quietly for my ears.
I gripped the doorway, trying to steady myself as I felt my legs ready to give out under me. All my life, I had been wounded with painful words. Knowing that I had caused my mother's death, hearing from my brother and only friend's mouth that he hated me, being raised by a father who did not love me, it was all very painful. But up until that moment of my life, I had never felt such pain.
I wondered, as I pulled myself from the bedroom and towards the apartment door, if Shota would still love me in a few hours. A shock of pain ripped through my body, straight to my very core, to hear Shota whisper those words so softly and sweetly. Yet, I knew that it would hurt far more if they had been words of hate, of revulsion.
I hurried from the apartment, my cowardice taking control of me once more. How weak of a person was I then, to leave Shota heartbroken just so that I didn't have to face how much he despised me?