Several hours later, his sister dragged him home, suitably angry that they’d left the shopping mall with empty hands. Yasu found he didn’t care. He couldn’t appreciate his sister’s effort or feel bad about her dissatisfaction.
When they entered the house, Yasu’s eyes landed on a guitar leaning against the wall in the entry way. His guitar from the shop. He’d know it anywhere. “How…?”
His mom was standing in the doorway leading to the living room, watching him with a smile on her face. “Why don’t you bring it upstairs?”
Yasu’s eyes grew teary as he looked at his mom. What had he done to deserve this? All he’d done in the past week is sit around and cry. He’d disobeyed his parents and acted like a brat time and again. So why were they rewarding him. “Thank you,” he said quietly, picking up the guitar gently and carrying it up the stairs.
“Don’t thank me,” she said with a smile and to Yasu, it seemed like a strange thing to say.
His thoughts were cut off, however, the moment he heard music coming from his room. He froze at the top of the stairs, listening closely to the music coming from his room. It was his song, the one he’d written for Subaru. And only one other person on the face of the planet, besides him, knew that song.
He took a few slow steps towards his bedroom door, refusing to believe what both his brain and his heart were telling him – that Subaru was there, only a few steps away. He froze in front of his door, almost afraid to open it. What if it was some kind of trick? What if he was dreaming?
His body was acting for him as he closed his hand around the doorknob and gave it a twist. He pushed it open cautiously and looked into the room.
Yasu’s heart leapt and for a moment, when his eyes landed on the figure on his bed.
And then Subaru looked up, his eyes wide and almost scared. He took a deep breath, his fingers still strumming the acoustic guitar on his lap and started singing.
Yasu was still standing in the doorway, in shock as Subaru’s eyes fell shut and he began singing. The words that came from his mouth were so strong, so full of feeling and it stirred something deep inside of Yasu. Part of him refused to read too much into the lyrics, but another part wondered why Subaru would be here if those words weren’t for him…
He watched Subaru, in rapture, his heart fluttering with every word from Subaru’s lips. It was almost overwhelming to listen to. Even when Subaru finished and set the guitar aside, Yasu still couldn’t move or form a coherent thought.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Subaru nodded to the guitar in Yasu’s hands. “Do you like it?”
Yasu snapped out of his daze when Subaru spoke and he looked down at the guitar he was still holding. “Its from you?”
Subaru nodded, smiling softly at Yasu.
“But how?” Yasu asked. “How did you afford this?”
“I’ve been saving for it for months…”
“But what about your Tokyo fund?” Yasu asked, still in disbelief. He had to be dreaming.
“What Tokyo fund? It’s been the Yasu guitar fund for months…” Subaru said, standing up from the bed.
“But what about Rikiya? Your plans for Tokyo?” Yasu had never felt so confused in all of his life.
“I’m not going to Tokyo. Not right now anyway…” Subaru looked like he had more to say, but he paused there. “As for Rikiya, he’s gone…”
“Gone? You aren’t going with him?” Yasu asked.
Subaru sighed, “No. I don’t want to go with him. I don’t want to be with him…”
“You don’t?” Yasu asked, completely confused. “Then why did you kiss him?”
Subaru sighed in exasperation, but his disposition quickly changed from annoyance to desperation. “I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me.”
“I see…” Yasu said after a moment of silence. He wasn’t sure what else he could say. Maybe he’d been quick to assume things, but he had good reason, didn’t he?
“I didn’t want him to. I didn’t ask him to, Yasu. And I pushed him away as soon as he did it but you ran out and wouldn’t let me explain!” Subaru said, his voice a little desperate.
“You knew where to find me, Subaru. You could have explained a million times over.” Yasu pointed out. He thought that he wasn’t mad about the situation, but now that Subaru was here in front of him, he couldn’t keep the pain and anger bottled up.
“I know,” Subaru hung his head. “I thought I would get a chance at school, but you never came…”
“That’s not an excuse!” Yasu cried, tears stinging his eyes. “I’ve been here the whole time. You know where I live.”
“You made it clear that you didn’t want to see me. You were avoiding school because of me…” Subaru said quietly. When Yasu didn’t say anything in reply, he continued quietly, “Look I know I messed up. But I was hurt too. You just ran off without letting me explain what had happened. I was trying so hard to show you how much I care about you, but it was like you’d forgotten all of that in a minute. I wanted you to trust me, to at least want to hear my side of the story. It hurt that you assumed the worst of me. I just wanted you to have faith in me…”
That hurt Yasu to hear. He hadn’t realized this whole time that he’d hurt Subaru too. When he explained it that way, Yasu realized that it was unfair. And he had assumed the very worst scenario. But he also felt the need to explain to Subaru where he was coming from. “Don’t you think I had reason to?” Yasu said quietly. “You never told me you didn’t want to be with Rikiya. You never told me how you really felt about me…”
“I’m sorry,” Subaru stood up and grabbed Yasu’s hand. “I was afraid to. I thought I could show you how much I love and care about you…”
Yasu was silent for a moment, letting Subaru’s words sink in. Then, almost as if in disbelief, he asked, “You love me?”
Subaru’s face turned bright red and he stared at the floor, still holding Yasu’s hand tightly in his own and gave a terse nod.
“Really?” Yasu asked, his heart swelling in his chest.
Subaru nodded again, this time finding the bravery to look up at Yasu.
Yasu couldn’t help but throw his arms around Subaru. He knew they still had a lot to talk about but that was the last thing he’d been expecting to hear from Subaru. He had been so sure that it was over between them and that he’d never see Subaru again let alone hold him like this. And it felt so completely different to hold Subaru in his arms and know that he felt the same. For a moment he was sure that he was dreaming until Subaru squeezed him tight in his arms and brought him back to reality. “Will you say it?” he whispered in Subaru’s ear as he held him close in fear that he might float away.
Subaru nodded again and after a brief pause, he said so quietly that Yasu could barely hear, “I love you.”
The flood of tears that had been threatening to spill since he laid eyes on Subaru was unleashed then and his hold on the other boy tightened as his body started shaking with sobs. This had to be a dream. Only his brain was cruel enough to think of something this perfect and then take it away. But Subaru’s arms tightened around him, his hands rubbing soothingly at his back, and it felt much too real to be a dream.
“I love you, Shota,” he said again, his voice more forceful this time. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve hurt you or made you cry. Part of me thought it would be best if I kept a distance. I was afraid of getting hurt again. And after a while, after I began to trust you, I was afraid of hurting you. I didn’t think that I could give you everything you wanted and deserved.”
As he explained himself, he led Shota to the bed and sat down, refusing to let Yasu leave his arms. He continued, “Especially when I was so unsure about Rikiya. And it wasn’t that I thought I loved him more. It was never about that. But I guess I doubted myself because for so long I was convinced that I loved Rikiya, that he was the one for me. Then you came along and you were so good to me. You made me feel things I never felt with Rikiya. When you were around, I felt happy and I was glad to be alive, glad to have a friend like you. And when I started seeing you as something more than a friend, I felt like a bad person. If I loved Rikiya, why did I have feelings for you? I wondered if I was just projecting my feelings for Rikiya onto you. I didn’t know what to do. It scared me so the only thing I could do was back away.”
Yasu’s heart sank a little. “Maybe you are projecting your feelings…”
Subaru shook his head. “No, I’m not. I’m not in love with Rikiya. I don’t think I ever was. He doesn’t make me feel half the things you do. He never gave me anything, never made me feel as whole as you do. I was never drawn to him the way I’m drawn to you. If I loved him, then there aren’t any words on earth to describe how I feel about you.”
The tears sprang to Yasu’s eyes and he blinked at them. He was fairly certain that his heart would beat out of his chest he was so happy. Never in a million years did he think Subaru would share such a beautiful sentiment with him. About him.
Subaru continued, “I didn’t tell you I had feelings for Rikiya still to hurt you. I was trying to protect you. As much as my heart wanted to promise you more, my brain wouldn’t let me. I thought that if I told you I had feelings for Rikiya, you would break it off on your own. Or at the very least, you wouldn’t be so jolted if things didn’t work out. But if I’m honest with myself, Rikiya began fading from my heart the moment I met you. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve been in love with you for months…”
“Subaru…” Yasu’s eyes met Subaru’s and he could see the truth there. For the first time in their relationship, Yasu had no doubt where Subaru’s feelings lay. “I love you so much. I’m sorry for not having faith in you. I promise I’ll try my hardest to cherish everything you give me. To remember that you love me.”
Subaru smiled and Yasu could see tears in his eyes too before he closed the distance and gave Yasu a kiss. It started gentle and sweet, but there were so many feelings built up and spilling forth between them, that the gentleness quickly melted away into a passionate desperation. Yasu’s fingers wove into Subaru’s hair, and Subaru pulled Yasu to him until their chests were touching. Yasu relished in Subaru’s taste, how perfect it felt to have Subaru’s tongue sliding against his own, and though the position was uncomfortable he felt like he could cry from how right it felt to have Subaru pressed against him.
Subaru pulled back after a few moments, and smiled before giving Yasu another brief kiss. “I love you,” he said again, loudly and clearly this time.
“I love you too,” Yasu said with a smile and moved in for another kiss. This time, he pressed Subaru back onto the mattress and crawled on top of him. It wasn’t until their tongues were tangled and Yasu was pressed intimately against Subaru that he realized exactly how much he missed this. Before, he’d been so focused on missing Subaru that he hadn’t understood how important this was to him – to their relationship.
When Yasu’s hands slipped under Subaru’s shirt, flicking over his nipples, Subaru’s broke the kiss. “Yasu, your parents are downstairs.”
“It’s okay,” Yasu said, his fingers still on Subaru’s nipples. He could feel them getting hard under his fingertips and that was only making him more excited. He wanted to see them, taste them. “They already know we’ve had sex…”
“Yeah,” Subaru said, wiggling against the mattress as Yasu’s fingers continued their assault on his chest. “But I’m not exactly their favorite person right now. I don’t think they’d approve…”
Yasu sat up but didn’t remove his hand from under Subaru’s t-shirt. “So what? We’re gonna wait until they give us permission to sleep together?”
Subaru made a face as though he wanted to protest, but it was hard to argue with Yasu’s logic. “Or at least until they’re not in the house.”
“They won’t know,” Yasu said, leaning down and giving Subaru a kiss. “And if they do, it’s fine. We’re together and it’s not their place to forgive you or hold a grudge against you for my sake. As far as I’m concerned, what happened doesn’t matter. So it shouldn’t matter to them. If we slept together before, there’s no reason we can’t now. It’s my decision to make and they know that.”
“Yeah but they think I’ll hurt you again. They don’t trust me.”
“But I do,” Yasu said simply, a smile on his face as he looked down at Subaru.
Tears sprang to Subaru’s eyes, and Yasu knew that those words meant the world to him. When Subaru pulled him down into another kiss, Yasu sighed happily and relaxed into Subaru’s arms. The kiss was slow and deep and Yasu could feel in his soul, unquestioningly, how much he meant to Subaru.
He broke the kiss a few moments later to slip Subaru’s shirt off over Subaru’s head, followed by his own. Then, he pressed his chest to Subaru’s moaning as he brought their lips together once more. Subaru returned the moan, his hands slipping into the back of Yasu’s pants, and Yasu knew that he was done protesting the idea of sleeping together.
A few minute later, he could feel Subaru’s cock, hard and throbbing against his thigh and he was overcome with the desire to see and feel it. He lifted his hips, reaching between their bodies to squeeze at Subaru’s erection and when the other boy gave a moan, Yasu’s hands went to work on the button and zippers.
He disentangled himself from Subaru long enough to move down his body, pulling Subaru’s pants and underwear down with him. He took Subaru in his hand, stroking slowly and purposefully as he rubbed the slick head against his lips.
Yasu’s senses were on overload. Subaru’s taste and smell were enough to make him insane with desire and as he slid his mouth over Subaru, he couldn’t help but remember what it felt like to have Subaru inside of him. He let out a moan as Subaru’s hands went to Yasu’s head, gripping tightly as he lifted his hips off the bed to bury himself in Yasu’s wet, warm mouth.
“Yasuuuu,” Subaru moaned after a few minutes and he pushed Yasu’s face away from his groin. “You too. I want to taste you.” With that, he pulled Yasu forward by the arm until he was straddling Subaru’s torso. Subaru propped himself up on his elbows, undoing Yasu’s pants and pushing them down far enough to free his cock and then he was leaning forward and taking Yasu deep into his mouth.
Yasu sighed, a smile crossing his face as Subaru bobbed over his cock. He reached down to brush the hair away from Subaru’s face so that he could see him clearly as he sucked. Subaru looked up, their eyes meeting, and Yasu’s stomach gave a flop, completely overwhelmed by the emotions flooding him. Subaru was beautiful, Yasu thought. He knew he was young and people would scoff, but Yasu honestly couldn’t imagine feeling this way about any other person on the planet. No one moved and inspired him like Subaru. No one made his heart beat or made him feel so alive. There was no one he’d ever desired or wanted to share himself with as much as Subaru. He loved Subaru.
Subaru’s arms slipped around Yasu’s waist and he took Yasu so deeply into his mouth that Yasu had to shudder and groan and clutch Subaru’s shoulder when the head of his cock brushed the back of Subaru’s throat. Yasu was shaking and he didn’t know how long he could stay on his knees like this when Subaru was giving him such pleasure.
Subaru’s hands slipped lower, gliding over Yasu’s cheeks and his fingers dipped into Yasu’s crack. “Subaruuu,” Yasu panted breathily as he subconsciously pushed his ass against Subaru’s finger. Subaru pushed a finger into Yasu, knuckle deep, and it hurt a little but Yasu found he didn’t mind, especially not when his erection was still sheathed in Subaru’s welcoming mouth. He pushed back against his finger, slowly, and let out a moan as it sank into him.
His cock fell out of Subaru’s mouth then and when he looked down, Subaru was watching him intently as he began moving his finger in and out of Yasu’s body. He felt a little self-conscious with Subaru watching, but it felt too good to stop him from moving over his boyfriend’s finger, letting out a little moan every time Subaru pushed it back in.
“Yasu…” Subaru moaned and Yasu just nodded because he knew what Subaru was asking for – what he wanted. Subaru removed the finger and pushed Yasu onto his back, pulling his pants off in the process. He turned to the night stand and opened the drawer, pulling out a condom. As he slid it on, his face was a little apologetic, as though promising that next time would be more thorough. But Yasu found he didn’t mind. He liked this. He just wanted to share this with Subaru – it didn’t matter how long or complex it was. It was perfect just being with him this way.
Yasu smiled and spread his legs, blushing and feeling slightly vulnerable. Subaru returned the smiled and positioned himself between Yasu’s legs. He leaned forward, kissing Yasu deeply as he pushed himself inside of Yasu.
Yasu wrapped his arms and legs around Subaru, clinging to him and letting out a long moan. He assumed the slight ache would wear away with time, but he didn’t care as long as being with Subaru made every part of his being feel this good.
Subaru paused for a full minute before he began moving inside of Yasu, slowly at first.
“More,” Yasu said, his eyes falling shut as he focused on the feeling of Subaru inside of him, becoming a part of him.
Subaru nodded, burying his face against Yasu’s neck as he began thrusting faster. “You feel so good,” he managed to groan, his arms slipping under Yasu’s shoulders to hold him.
Yasu knew, as that pleasant feeling began building in the pit of his stomach, that Subaru could feel what he was feeling; that this went beyond just physical. This was something else, something deeper that Yasu couldn’t even begin to explain.
“I love you,” He whispered against the skin of Yasu’s neck.
Yasu wanted to hold out, to make this last forever because it felt too perfect. But every limb of his body was tingling and that knot that had been forming in the pit of his stomach broke. He held Subaru tightly to him, arching off of the bed as he came and a few moments later, Subaru was following. Afterwards they collapsed into a pile on the mattress, catching their breaths. After a few minutes, Subaru rolled off of him and pulled Yasu close. “Thank you for everything. For loving me and trusting me.”
Yasu returned Subaru’s sentiment with a kiss and snuggled close to him. But there was something he had to ask. “Subaru… what about Rikiya? What happened with him?”
Subaru was silent for a minute, but he pulled him even closer. “I don’t know. He went back to Tokyo, I guess.”
“Did he ask you to go with him?” It wasn’t important and Yasu knew that. Subaru had chosen to be with him so whatever conversation took place between Rikiya and Subaru wasn’t his business. But he still wanted to know.
“Yeah,” Subaru said quietly. “He said it was a mistake, that he can’t do anything right without me. He wanted me to go with him so we could be together. Make music together. But I told him no. That there was someone else and that whatever we had was over.”
Yasu frowned, he didn’t like it, but maybe it was something that Subaru had deserved to hear. He deserved to know how Rikiya regretted his reactions. He deserved to know that Rikiya did have some sort of feelings. “I’m glad you got to hear that.” A silence fell over them and Yasu wasn’t sure what to say so he pulled the blankets over them and snuggled close to Subaru.
“Yasu?” Subaru asked quietly after a few minutes.
“What are you going to do after graduation?”
That was a question that had been tumbling around in Yasu’s head a lot lately. He’d already missed college entrance exams and he wasn’t even sure that was what he wanted to do. Being in Revolver and winning that contest made him feel alive and happy. But he had to worry about whether he would be able to succeed and support himself. “I don’t know yet. I haven’t decided…”
“Will you come to Tokyo with me?” Subaru asked quietly. When Yasu looked up, Subaru’s cheeks were pink. “Ohkura’s going to be going to school out there and we’ve been talking about trying to keep the band together. At least me and him… and you… if you want to, of course…”
Yasu sat up and smiled down at Subaru, “Really?”
Subaru nodded, his face still red. “We can spend the next month or two saving and then we can move out there. We can rent a cheap place and get jobs. And you can go to school if you want.”
Yasu flung his arms around Subaru. “That sounds perfect.” He was so happy, he felt like his heart could burst.
Subaru returned Yasu’s hug and they spent the next hour in bed, kissing and cuddling with each other. Eventually they both got hungry and the smell of food wafting up the stairs was enough to pull Yasu and Subaru out of the bed.
As they trudged down the stairs, Yasu’s sister sent them a knowing grin. “Did you guys make up?”
Yasu nodded, a blush coloring his cheeks because obviously she knew what they’d been doing in his bedroom. “Yeah…”
“Good,” she smiled. “You should call Ohkura-kun and tell him.”
“Ohkura knows?” Yasu asked, confused as he followed his sister into the dining room.
“You’re so slow, Shota,” she laughed. “Everyone knows. Maru-kun, Ohkura-kun, Nishikido-kun, mom and dad. You’re apparently the only one that doesn’t know.”
“I’m confused…” Yasu said and both his sister and Subaru laughed.
“Think about it,” she said calmly. “Ohkura and Maru came and brought you the money so that I could get you out of the house so that Subaru could come…”
“It was a plan?” Yasu asked, his eyebrows shooting up.
They both laughed again. “YES!”
His sister rolled her eyes and Subaru started to explain, “I was being stupid. Ohkura had been telling me for days that I need to come see you. Even if it was to tell you things were over. I already told you how I felt. Part of me wanted you to come to me. And the other part thought it was for the best to just let things end. It took me a while to realize that I don’t want to be without you. I came over yesterday to talk. And obviously your parents weren’t happy about it. They shut the door in my face. So I went to your sister. And after she punched me, we talked.”
She smiled, “Sorry but you deserved it…”
“Yeah,” Subaru said, not disagreeing. “So with Ohkura, we came up with the plan. It would get you out of the house and it gave me a chance to properly explain everything to your parents.”
Yasu listened, absorbing it all. “Thank you. But I don’t get why you went through all the trouble. I mean, why did you need me out of the house?”
“Because I wanted to do things properly. I wanted to surprise you with the guitar and I wanted you to hear the song, because that way, if I couldn’t find the strength to say everything I needed to, at least you’d hear the song and know how I feel.”
Yasu smiled brightly at Subaru, “Thank you. I was surprised.” He pulled Subaru down into the seat next to him. “You’re a romantic…”
Subaru blushed, but he looked pleased.
Yasu couldn’t keep the smile off of his face. In one day, he had Subaru back and he had some idea of what he was going to do in the future.
When he had the chance to sit down and really think about it, he knew that Subaru wasn’t the one creating all of the problems in the relationship. Yasu was at fault too. He’d sat around for the past week, making Subaru and Rikiya into the bad guys, but he wasn’t innocent. His actions had hurt Subaru too. His lack of faith wasn’t fair to Subaru.
It wasn’t unfounded, of course. But Subaru was right. He’d shown Yasu time and again that he did care. That he was trying and Yasu was at fault for not being happy with the pace at which he was doing it. He hadn’t given Subaru any credit for trying, and that was unfair. He’d thought the worse of Subaru.
Yasu wanted desperately to hear how Subaru felt, to have the words as comfort, but he realized now that he didn’t need it. Subaru had spoken loudly with his actions, and that’s what mattered. He realized now that it wasn’t Subaru’s job to constantly reassure him with words. That wasn’t the way things worked and as long as he kept expecting it and kept putting that pressure on Subaru, he’d never be happy himself. He’d be depressed every time Subaru didn’t say what he wanted to hear and that would only put a strain on their relationship.
As time went on, Yasu found that he was glad that everything had happened. It had hurt at the time, but he understood now that behind every bit of pain in a person’s life, there was a lesson to be learned.
Every day was a new challenge with Subaru. Some days he wished he could throttle Subaru, and others he felt that could float away with how happy the other man made him. But at the end of the day, he wouldn’t change anything. He was happy to have Subaru in his life and thankful that his boyfriend gave him the strength to be a better person. And he felt confident that they’d spend a long time, growing and learning together.
To The Epilogue