Over the next few weeks, Yasu noticed the change in Subaru. It had worried him at first. Now that Subaru was popular and had all of his own friends, Yasu was afraid that he wouldn’t be needed anymore. He couldn’t remain the most important person in Subaru’s life forever. And Yasu knew that it was selfish to wish for such a thing.
So he decided that he would put his own feelings on hold. Afterall, Subaru deserved a lot of friends. He was a kind, beautiful person. But it didn’t take long for Yasu to notice that he didn’t need to put his own feelings on hold. What he needed was to have more faith in Subaru, because despite all of his new friends, Subaru was still there for him. Subaru wouldn’t eat lunch in the cafeteria unless Yasu was by his side. He wouldn’t walk home with anyone but Yasu. He refused homework help from every person imaginable in favor of Yasu. And that was proof enough for Yasu that he was the most important person in Subaru’s life.
And it started to matter less and less that Subaru wouldn’t play with him or wouldn’t join Revolver. He knew it wasn’t personal. It didn’t have to mean that he loved Rikiya more, or that he was unwilling to share himself with Yasu. Because as far as Yasu was concerned, Subaru was proving everyday how important he was in his life. Maybe Subaru loved Rikiya, and maybe he would leave still, but Yasu believed from the bottom of his heart that Subaru did love him. The words didn’t matter to him; Subaru had said it a million times over in his actions.
“You look so happy lately,” Ishihara commented to him one day in the hall. She pushed her glasses up her nose and watched as Yasu took a drink from the water spicket. “Things are going well with Subaru?”
Yasu blushed and nodded. “Yeah…”
“I can tell when you’re thinking about him…” She commented.
“Yeah… he gets this really goofy smile on his face, doesn’t he?” another voice commented and when Yasu looked up, Maru was standing there with his arms crossed over his chest.
Ishihara smiled widely, pleased that Maru was speaking to her and she nodded. “And then his eyes glaze over.”
“He’s probably thinking about something pervy,” Maru teased.
“Probably,” She grinned.
“I’m not!” Yasu insisted. It wasn’t like that! He hadn’t really done anything with Subaru since the blow job. Not that he didn’t want to. And he certainly did think about it. A lot. But only when he was alone and could have some privacy to really get carried away in the thoughts.
“You’re not what?” A third voice piped in, and Yasu didn’t even have to turn around to recognize it as Subaru’s
“Yasu’s thinking dirty things about you,” Maru said and Sara giggled.
“I wasn’t!” Yasu cried, turning to Subaru. Not that he was ashamed of his thoughts or that they should come as a surprise. He loved Subaru, so it was only natural to want those things with him. But he didn’t want Subaru to feel pressured and push away again. “They’re lying!”
Maru laughed, shaking his head and walking away. Ishihara took off after him, whether to talk to Maru or give the couple some privacy, Yasu wasn’t sure.
As soon as they were alone, Yasu turned to Subaru, “I really wasn’t. They’re just teasing me.”
“I see,” Subaru started walking, and Yasu followed after him. “So you never do?”
“Do what?” Yasu asked, his face turning pink.
“Think dirty things about me?” Subaru asked, glancing over at Yasu.
“That’s… I mean…” he stammered, fairly certain that was all the answer Subaru needed. “Well… Do you?”
“Do I think dirty things about me?” Subaru asked teasingly. “Yeah, look at me. I’m hot.”
“Subaruuu,” Yasu whined, reaching over and clutching his arm. “I mean about me!”
“Of course I do,” Subaru rolled his eyes.
“You do?” Yasu’s face lit up.
“Why are you so surprised?” Subaru asked, giving Yasu a look like he was crazy. “I like you and I’m attracted to you. Of course I fantasize sometimes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me!?” Yasu asked. If Subaru wanted it too, then shouldn’t they being doing it? Maybe not all the way, but he was more than ready and willing to take it past kissing.
“Because how exactly do you bring something like that up?” Subaru asked, glancing at the clock. Passing time between classes was almost over, so the conversation would have to wind to close.
“I don’t know. You could tell me that you want me?” He suggested. “Or if you want me to do something for you, you can ask.”
“Shhh,” Subaru hissed as he entered the classroom.
Yasu fell silent. Subaru was touchy about the subject of sexuality and Yasu knew that the last thing he wanted was for their classmates to find out about their relationship. Whatever relationship it was that they had. He wanted to talk about this some more, but now obviously wasn’t the time or the place. “Can we talk about it later then?” he asked.
“Later,” Subaru nodded, but it was in a tone that Yasu knew well. One that clearly said there wouldn’t really be a later, and if he tried bringing it up again, he would only meet with a very annoyed Subaru.
Yasu didn’t say anything, just heaved a sigh and sat at his desk. He tried to stay positive. Even if Subaru wasn’t ready to do anything physical, he did want it. He thought about Yasu in a sexual way and that was a start. But really, it didn’t make Yasu feel any better. It only made him want Subaru more. Now he had the knowledge that he was capable of arousing sexual desire in Subaru.
But the fact that Subaru wouldn’t act on it made him worried. Maybe it meant that he wasn’t attracted to Yasu enough. Maybe when it came down to it, the only physical attraction Subaru had for him could be explained away by the emotional attachment they had. Maybe Subaru only fantasized because he wanted to feel loved and Yasu was the only person who felt that way about him.
It was hard for Yasu, almost impossible, not to want Subaru. It was torture being alone with him in the shop. Or sitting next to him on his bed while they study. Some days his entire body ached with how much he desired Subaru. Sometimes it took every ounce of his will not to touch him or kiss him or pin him to the bed. It was frustrating trying to control all of his urges. And it hurt to think that Subaru didn’t want him the same way.
Maybe it was unfair of Yasu to expect Subaru to feel as strongly. He was well aware that Subaru also had feelings for someone else. And how was he supposed to know what Subaru felt if he refused to share? If sex talk was off limits, then what was Yasu supposed to do? How long was he supposed to wait for Subaru? It wasn’t really that he minded waiting. Subaru was worth the wait in Yasu’s eyes. But what if he was waiting for nothing? What if Subaru would never want to be intimate with him? But Subaru didn’t want to talk about it, as usual. So what could he do but be patient and wait?
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize the teacher was talking to him. “Yasuda-kun, do you know the answer?”
“Hmmm? No, sorry…” Yasu said, his mind too busy worrying about Subaru to focus on the English question the teacher had written on the door. Murmurs erupted throughout the classroom. It was the first time in memory that Yasu had been unable to answer the question.
He could feel Subaru’s eyes on him, but he ignored it, choosing to focus on opening his English textbook and staring at the page. He was too distracted to actually pay attention, but he could fake it at least.
As soon as class ended, Maru turned and gave him a knowing grin. “Was your mind in the gutters again?”
Yasu had been thinking about sex, that much was true. But not in the fun, pleasant way. Sometimes he felt that he couldn’t go a day without stressing over Subaru and their relationship. He wished that Subaru could be more open, that they could talk about things and deal with things in a normal way. He wished that Rikiya didn’t exist and that he could be the only person Subaru wanted. The only person he loved.
It was hard competing with someone he’d never met. Sometimes Yasu felt as if Rikiya was some God that couldn’t be seen, but who was so great that no one else could ever be loved as much. And in the end, it didn’t really matter how much he tried. He knew he was better than Rikiya. Maybe that was why he was always so frustrated. He treated Subaru well, showed him love almost constantly, and yet it never seemed to be enough. Someone who treated Subaru like dirt, who didn’t once consider Subaru’s feelings, would always be better than him.
“No,” he answered Maru, closing his text book and putting in in his desk. “I guess I’m just distracted today.”
Maru seemed to recognize Yasu’s tone and he turned to Subaru with a worried look. Subaru was staring at the floor, almost guiltily, and that confirmed Maru’s assumption that Yasu’s distraction had to do with Subaru. “Man,” he shook his head, “Can’t things ever be good or easy between you two?” With that Maru marched out of the classroom, his bento tucked under his arm.
Yasu didn’t know what to say to that. He would love for things to be easy. He would love to be able to treat Subaru like a boyfriend instead of a friend who was maybe something more. And Maru was right. Even when things were good, when he’d reached some kind of understanding with Subaru, it never lasted long.
He turned to Subaru and quickly said, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”
Subaru shook his head and Yasu could see on his face how distressed this was. And he realized that it wasn’t just him who was frustrated. Subaru probably wished he could just give everything to Yasu. But things were more complicated than that, and they both knew it. All the constant worrying Yasu was doing was only making Subaru feel more pressured and stressed.
“You’re not fine,” Subaru said softly.
“I am. Really,” Yasu smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring fashion.
“Come on,” he pulled on Yasu’s hand. “Let’s go have lunch alone today.”
Yasu nodded with a smile and followed Subaru out of the classroom and up the stairs to the rooftop. Subaru continued pulling Yasu across the rooftop to an area where they weren’t easily visible from the door. He sat down, and tugged Yasu down with him, so close that they were practically on top of each other.
“Yasu… Do you know how much I care about you?” He rested his head on Yasu’s shoulder and played with the lid on his bento box. “You’re the most important person in my life. And I hate that I make you doubt it sometimes.”
“It’s not your fault that I’m insecure,” Yasu insisted.
“It is my fault though. I’ve done nothing to make you feel secure. And I’m afraid to make any promises because I don’t know if I can keep them.” He wrapped an arm around Yasu’s waist. “I wish I could just give you everything.”
Yasu draped an arm around Subaru and played with his hair. “It means a lot to me to hear you say that. I’m sorry I get frustrated and that I can’t be more understanding.”
Subaru shook his head. “Are you kidding? You’re the most understanding person I’ve ever met. You make me feel more understood and loved and accepted then Rikiya ever did.”
Yasu nodded. He knew this. And Subaru knew this. So why couldn’t they just be together? Why did Rikiya have to matter at all?
Subaru lifted his head and looked at Yasu, reaching up and touching his cheek. He just looked at Yasu for a few moments before he grabbed the back of Yasu’s neck and pulled him down into a kiss.
As soon as their lips touched, Yasu felt dizzy. He clung to Subaru’s back, gripping handfuls of his jacket as Subaru’s tongue slid across his bottom lip. Yasu let out a little moan, his mouth falling open slightly, and when Subaru’s tongue slid into his mouth, hot and wet, Yasu moaned again. He shivered against Subaru, pulling the other boy close.
Yasu could almost cry with how perfect it felt. Subaru’s lips were like heaven and the desire surging through him was so strong, strumming through his veins in a song that cried for more of Subaru. His chest felt tight, painfully tight, but it was a pain he didn’t mind. One he welcomed with open arms if it meant he could hold Subaru like this forever.
Of course they’d kissed. A lot. It was the one thing that Subaru seldom denied him. But now, in this moment, it just felt different. There was something more behind the kiss and for the first time, maybe ever, Yasu understood how Subaru felt and there were no doubts. If Subaru could kiss him like this, could pour this much feeling into one simple kiss, then Yasu was sure that Subaru felt strongly for him.
When the kiss finally ended, Yasu drew in a shaky breath and he almost had to bite back a sob. How many times had he dreamt that Subaru would kiss him like that? “Subaru…” Yasu wanted to tell Subaru how he felt, that he loved him. But Subaru had just given him a lot and he didn’t want to spoil it by saying something that might make him uncomfortable. So he shook his head, pushing away those three little words, and smiled at Subaru, “Thank you.” He leaned forward and gave Subaru another kiss on the lips.
Subaru, still holding Yasu by the back of the neck, deepened the kiss once more and Yasu could feel the first stirrings of arousal building in the pit of his stomach. Subaru’s kisses were dangerous and though his brain was telling him this wasn’t the time or the place to become involved in such a heated kiss, he couldn’t help himself. Without even thinking about it, he released a moan into the kiss, threading his fingers into Subaru’s long hair.
And Yasu nearly jumped out of his skin, when Subaru’s free hand dropped to his lap. But his surprised slipped away into arousal as Subaru’s fingertips danced across his thighs. Yasu broke the kiss with a moan, writhing against the concrete floor as he panted out, “Su-subaru…”
When their eyes met, Subaru smiled gently and Yasu was relieved to see that there was no doubt in his eyes. Subaru’s fingers travelled up further, and by the time his knuckles brushed against Yasu’s crotch, he was almost completely hard.
Subaru leaned in towards him, sucking and kissing at his neck as he squeezed Yasu’s erection through his pants. Yasu whimpered, writhing and pushing himself into Subaru’s hand. He couldn’t ever remember feeling quite so aroused, so when Subaru began unbuckling his belt, Yasu could only moan and mumbled, “Yessss.”
As soon as his pants were unfastened, Subaru’s hand dove into Yasu’s underwear and Yasu lifted his butt from the ground to push himself into Subaru’s fist. “Ohhh Subaru…”
Subaru brought his lips to Yasu’s again, kissing him hard as his hand moved up and down over Yasu’s cock. Yasu could almost cry with how good Subaru’s hand felt on him. Even in his fantasies, it had never felt this good and Yasu knew that he wasn’t going to last long. He broke the kiss again, looking at Subaru’s face as he panted hard and raised his hips to push his pants down his thighs.
Subaru smiled again, a little naughtily and Yasu was almost going to ask until Subaru bent over him and sucked the head of Yasu’s cock into his mouth. Yasu jerked into Subaru’s mouth, his body begging for Subaru to swallow him. But Subaru took his time, swirling his tongue around the tip and flicking it against the underside. “Subaruuuuu,” Yasu moaned, unable to control himself.
Subaru lowered his mouth over Yasu, bobbing up and down only a few times before Yasu cried out and spilled himself into Subaru’s warm mouth. He knew he’d be embarrassed about how long he’d last later, but for now he was too happy and his body too satisfied to even care. He pulled Subaru up and crashed their lips together, Yasu moaning as he tasted the cum clinging to Subaru’s lips and tongue.
When this kiss broke, Yasu felt tears come to his eyes. “Thank you…”
Subaru smiled and kissed Yasu’s cheek. “You’re welcome.”
He wanted to ask Subaru about Rikiya, about what all of this meant, but he was too scared of pushing Subaru away. He wondered if Subaru had done it out of pity or because he felt pressure, but he shook the thoughts away. It didn’t matter. If that was the case, of course it wasn’t ideal. But the fact that he did it meant that he cared, that he wanted to give Yasu pleasure. And that meant a lot.
“Was it okay?” Subaru asked, watching as Yasu redressed.
Yasu giggled, “Of course!”
“Good,” Subaru smiled, giving Yasu one last kiss. “I want to make you feel good.”
Yasu smiled widely. “Thank you, Subaru,” he said for what felt like the millionth time. Maru had a point when he said that things never stayed good for long. But for Yasu, the fact that they were good at all was enough. Even if he felt insecure most of the time, these moments more than made up for it.
Those moments when he started doubting, started wondering if things would ever work out… in the end, those moments didn’t matter. It was moments like this. When Subaru smiled at him in a way that took away whatever problems and worries he had. When Subaru would say something so sweet, something that he longed to hear from the bottom of his heart.
Who cared if things weren’t always good? Relationships were a lot of work, and as far as Yasu was concerned, every minute of it was worth it. Happiness of this level was more than enough to make Yasu forget those bad times. He would take the pain and the doubt if it meant he could have this too.
Because Yasu loved Subaru, and he realized now that the bad, worry-filled moments were just a part of love.
A/N: As a Christmas present to anippan, I've finished Revolving. But since I'll be out of town for cons until the 2nd, I am posting the first of the last 4 chapters now. The rest will be posted after I get back.